Verbal Wedgies

Ok, forst Henry VIII was four wives and now this? Has he finally lost it? Has he picked one too many noodles from his nose and pulled his brain out?

Again: Shut up and pay attention.

So I went to pick up my internet bought train tickets at the station, but I noticed the outbound journey day was wrong.

So I asked a nice GNER employee walking about, and he said it should be simple to swap them. So I joined the queue.

“Hi, I just picked up these tickets and it’s not the date I wanted. I don’t know if I put in the wrong date or it made a mistake, bu-”

“Well, let me stop you right there. If it’s the internet, then it doesn’t make mistakes. It’s up to you to check that the dates are right before you buy. It’s different if you buy them here, you can check them before you leave. You’ll have to go back to the original company and ask for a refund.”
“GNER?”

“Yes.”

“The company you work for…”

Anyway, if eventually transpired that he couldn’t swap them, so he just sold me new ones and I have to get a seperate refund.

So now I’ve decided not to take any more from from sarky, bitchy or crappy service people. And I’ve decided not to take it lying down. Here’s how it would go in my world:

“Hi, I just picked up these tickets and it’s not the date I wanted. I don’t know if I put in the wrong date or it made a mistake, bu-”

“Well, let me stop you right there. If it’s the internet, then it doesn’t make mistakes. It’s up to you to chec-”

“OK, hang on a minute. First of all, attacking a customer who’s asking for help is a terrible way to do business. I’m asking for help, and you’re shoving it down my throat. In all likelyhood I have made a mistake, but there’s no reason to be rude. No-one’s going to admit they made an error, it’s like shouting ‘Hey look at this idiot thing I did’ How much would it hurt you to say ‘I’m sorry about that, let me see what I can do’. It costs nothing. Second: your website DOES make mistakes. On two seperate occasions, it’s giveen me FastTicket references that don’t match any ticket or booking, so don’t act like it’s infalliable and any problem is the customer’s fault.
Now, do you want to tell me how to fix this problem, get me the right tickets and save the day, or do I need to speak to your supervisor?”

Yeah, it’s over the top, but seriously: you didn’t see this guy’s attitude. He practically accused me of lying.

And I won’t use it often, just on those people who need a serious attitude adjustment.

That’s why it’s called a verbal wedgie.

If people can’t be polite and civil, and they’re dealing with customers every day, then I’m sorry, but they’re in the wrong job.

GTA 4 vs. Henry VIII

What is he on about now, I hear you ask. Has he finaly lost it? Has he picked one too many noodles from his nose and yanked his brains out?

to all you doubters, I say: Shut up and pay attention.

The latest game in the Grand Theft Auto series will be called Grand Theft Auto 4. This doesn’t sit well with me, because it’s the sixth independant game in the Grand Theft Auto series. So to my mind, it should be called Grand Theft Auto 6.

But (apparently) there are two reasons it’s called GTA 4:

• GTA 3 was the first 3D engine used in a GTA game. Vice City and San Andreas are both based on the same engine, but this latest game is a whole new engine, so it’s GTA 4.
• Vice City and San Andreas were commissioned by Sony as exclusive six month contracts for the PlayStation2. GTA 3 was created by Rockstar and then tied to an exclusive deal with Sony, so this new game is the next in the line of non-commissioned games, so they’re calling it GTA 4.

It doesn’t make sense to me, for the following reason:

“So, Mr Rockstar-employee. How many games have you released with the Grand Theft Auto label?”

“Erm…six.”
“And remind me, you’re calling the latest game what again?”

“Grand Theft Auto 4″
“I see…..”

And this put me in mind of an episode of QI, with Stephen Fry. How many wives did Henry VIII have?

If you answered six, there would currently be an alarm going off. You are wrong. Here’s the list, in order:

Catherine of Aragon – divorced
Anne Boleyn – executed
Jane Seymour – died in child birth
Anne of Cleves – divorced
Catherine Howard – executed
Catherine Parr – survived

However, the Catholic Church did not recognise divorce at the time (or rather it would not grant Henry an annulment to Catherine of Aragon), forcing Henry to start his own church.

A bit like L. Ron Hubbard.

So from their point of view Anne Boleyn was never Henry’s wife, since he was still married to Catherine of Aragon. However, since she was now dead, he was able to marry again. So Jane Seymour is his second wife. She died, so Anne of Cleves is his third wife, but he divorced her (so she still counts), and Catherine Howard isn’t a valid wife. However, since she was executed, Catherine Parr is his wife, who survived him (and ironically died in child birth in her next marriage)

So depending on who you believe, Henry had six, four or three wives.

However, Alan Davies coutered with: “Did Henry not have six seperate women that he introduced as ‘…and this is my lovely wife.’ “

So I’ll accept that the next Grand Theft Auto game is GTA 4, if you’ll admit that Henry VIII had four wives.

Anatomy Acts

I noticed (how could I not) the exhibition at the City Art Centre in Edinburgh is the controversial Anatomy Acts exhibition.

Now it may be me, but I find human cadvers on display just distasteful. These people donated their bodies to medical science, not to be used as art.

And since I always cover my irrational beliefs with humour, I don’t think I’d go for another good reason. I wouldn’t be able to resist doing the joke.

“I see dead people…”

Check out the website at Anatomy Acts

Good film, bad film

So I was watching The Long Kiss Goodnight, and I got to thinking; what is it that makes some films good and other just TV fodder?

I mean: the plot isn’t exactly original, the effects are good but nothing noteworthy, and there’s not exactly what you would call ripping dialogue seen on camera.

Why is it we like films like that, but hate films with Steven Segal? Many of his films have better plots, better effects and deserve to be liked more. And yet many of them end up as “made for TV”, and die a quick death.

Surely it can’t be just because Geena Davis and Samual L Jackson are in the film? Can it really be that a high pay actor can save a movie?

I don’t think so, because there have been plenty of recent films with “good” actors in them that failed to float my boat.

So what is it about certain movies that make me instantly turn off? Is it really that Steven Segal’s cheese-fest permeates everything he touches? Can it really be possible to curse a movie just by adding a single actor (cough-Tim Curry-cough*)? Are we really that fickle?

Personally, I’m stumped. I really don’t know.

Answers on a postcard please…

*The three exceptions being:

• The Hunt for Red October
• The Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Scary Movie 2

Amusing Ad

Saw something that tickled my fancy. On a bus advert, which is split into five sections. the fourth being longer (where the stairs are).

It was an advert for Poseidon, the new remake of the classic film. The picture is of Poseidon upside down with the ship’s name clearly displayed. Anyway, at some point the third section of the ad, where most of the ship’s name is, had fallen off and been put back on upside down.

As I said, it tickled my funny bone.